CJs Daddy

Before I moved to this domain - I had a post about birthparents and how they are perceived in the adoption world, and by the general population. As I’ve mentioned recently, Guatemala adoptions have been in the news quit a bit lately as that country ponders it’s future in international adoption. There have been a couple of articles recently that talk about adoptive parents searching out birthmothers, pondering over how their child came to be theirs. In the mean time, some of us adoptive parents tend to get defensive when confronted with some of these issues. I think a lot of times adoption critics really do try to question the legitimacy of our parenthood. Then again, we can be overly ambitious when defending our families. I mean, look at me - I’m already calling myself CJs Daddy - and she’s not legally our daughter yet. (side note: I do not feel the least bit guilty about this - it’s critical for adopting parents to see themselves as expecting parents as early as possible - more on that some other time).

I’ve seen on some message boards, listserves, blogs, and articles all kinds of messages that I’m not comfortable with. People suggesting that adopted kids should be grateful to their birthmom for making the “brave” and “courageous” choice. Others add that this is what’s best for the child. Most of us will say that it was God’s will that our children become part of our families, suggesting that Carmen was born to be our daughter.

As much as I believe in an active God, I just cannot buy into the concept that Carmen’s purpose was to satisfy my desire to be a father. I cannot accept that the good Lord would deliberately cause someone else so much pain in order to bring me happiness. God is all knowing, but he’s also all GOOD. Don’t get me wrong, prayer about all of this is critical, and God is clearly providing direction and playing a role in building my family.

But let’s face it, an adoption only happens when something goes wrong. Parents are killed in a car accident, act abusively, suffer from AIDS, experience extreme poverty, and even have their children stolen or coerced from their arms. You can read all about the reasons a woman might place her child for adoption. In some cases the mother or parents are making a choice, and in others they are not. In our case, we know that Carmen’s Mom, O, made a choice. Even given the information we have now, I cannot say for myself whether that choice was justified or whether that choice is the best thing for Carmen. Only O can speak to that. Even so, I’m sure she struggles with that decision constantly.

Some adoptive parents believe (or at least leave the impression) that the material things and material opportunities afforded to their kids here in the States means those mothers in Guatemala did the right thing. Good grief if that were any where near true, then where do we draw the line as to where a certain amount of stuff is the correct amount to justify relinquishment? We cannot say that Carmen’s life will be better here in the states than it would have been in Guatemala. We can only say that it will be different.

No, I’m not saying that a house, education, cloths, food, etc are not part of what it means to bring a child into your home. I know she would have less “stuff” in Guatemala. Duh. What I’m saying is that my status as a middle class American does not give me the right to be CJs Daddy. O’s particular situation (again only bits and pieces that we know) in Guatemela does not necessarily mean CJ would have had a horrible life. Heck - she would not have even been known as CJ.

What I can do and what M and I can do together is to take God’s direction for us in being her parents. We draw on our experiences and love her with all our will. In this way, yes - God intends for her to be ours, but it’s through our actions now that this becomes reality, not through the womb of another woman.

Posted on October 29th, 2007 by admin
Filed under: Adoption, Guatemala