CJs Daddy

Legitimacy and Entitlement….

I’ve been finding myself drawn to considering both of these topics as they pertain to adoption lately. As you may know, I read a lot of blogs and message boards that view many different slants on the various forms of adoption.

The two concepts just keep criss crossing eachother for a variety of places and contexts, and I just don’t feel like I fit the norm (at least among the web addicted crowd) when it comes to either. Let me define the terms as I understand them in the context of adoption. I’m struggling to complete my thoughts on both of these, and don’t really want a book long post, so I’ll start with just one…

Legitimacy to me means simply justification, rightousness, or even realness. At it’s core - justification would answer the question, “were we jutstified in adopting Carmen?” Rightousness would have more to do with are we good and honorable people for having done so. Not just in terms of conducting the process ethically, but is the act of adoption itself a righteous thing. Realness would be exactly what it sounds. Are we a real family, or second rate? Do our differences in terms of biology and ethnicity create too many obstacles to being a legitimate family?

Believe it or not, I’m discovering that there are drastically different view points on both Legitimacy and Entitlement. I’ll start with…

Legitimacy

There are a number of POVs to examine here.

• First, there’s a whole school of thought out there that says (or at least leaves the distinct impression) that adoption is a horrible thing. Many people hate adoption because it removes a baby from it’s biological family. Believe it or not, I totally understand and to an extent agree with the first POV. There’s no getting around the truth that someone lost a family member. Carmen lost her first mother and her second mother, and they both lost her. Whether voluntary or not, it’s a reality. If we as adoptive parents don’t understand that, then we’re working with one hand tied behind our back when the times come that Carmen needs to express her feelings about how she came to be our daughter. However, as I said, this is our reality, and I do not feel compelled to justify the legitimacy of our adoption to all naysayers. While the loss of her family in Guatemala can be viewed as tragic, that will never detract from the beauty of the family that has been formed her in our home. Relinquishment, abandonment, and the circumstances that cause them are horrible, while adoption and the process that allow it to create families is a miracle. Hold that thought on miracles for later though.

• The red-head and I also experience frustration when people de-legitimize Carmen’s family in Guatemala. I read a lot of message board nonsense about people being offended when they are asked about their child’s “real parents” - as if we are pretend or something. Similar threads focus on things like “is she yours” or “where’d you get her” kind of comments. While I do understand the offense to some degree, and really try to guide people to more appropriate language, I’m not so much concerned about those types of things, assuming they are not overheard by CJ. I generally believe people are curious about adoption, but don’t know how to ask questions.  What truly bothers me are attitudes that negate the legitimacy of an adopted child’s other families. Let’s face it, CJ has 3 families, we’ve accepted that (yes, I know we are her “real” permanent family). But one of the things that get’s my goat are negative attitudes toward natural mothers. Believe me, this attitude comes as much from adoptive parents as it does anyone else. Within the context of complaining about “real mom” comments, it’s perplexing how many people toss in the fact that the birth mom has no meaning to them, they aren’t real mothers because they only provided DNA. Or that they were wise to choose adoption because they could never have provided a good home for their child anyway. [Side note here - I realize that in many cases, parents have made dangerous choices are acted abusively and thus a child really may be "better off" so to speak. I still believe it important and healthy to maintain respect and compassion for your child's natural parents in these cases]. On the other hand, I regularly hear people talk about how much love they have for their child’s birth mom for providing them the gift of a child. There was even a rather sad thread on one message board about how people secretly hope their child’s birth mom would get pregnant again so they can adopt their second child. This smacks of entitlement to me (that’ll be another post), but it also de-legitimizes a woman who truly made a heart wrenching decision and should be respected as a mother, not a vessel.

• On a similar POV to the first - there’s an even tougher reaction to adoption, and sometimes specifically international adoption, out there where people express disdain for adopted kids and cross ethnic families. I’m sure it seem unfathomable to most of you, but in many families, adopted kids are treated differently. Literally like second rate children. Anyone ever see the Royal Tenembaums? It’s actually a hillarious movie, but it was sad to see Gene Hackman always introduces Gweneth Paltrow as his adopted daughter. This was not meant as a compliment, and while adoptive parents rarely do this these days, the media and a large part of society still view the adopted child in a stigmatized way. Adoptees are often the “third” member of the “adoption triad” and literally have the least amount of rights, even as adults. Their history in terms of adoption records, original birth certificates, etc is often sealed in a box that they cannot access. Adopted kids have certain needs in certain aspects of their life that are different than biological children. But this in no way should deligitimize their completeness as family members, and it should not mean they should have their rights trampled.

• The same goes for Carmen as a Latina member of our family. Sure, she’s fully American, but she’s also fully Guatemalan, Latin American, and Mayan. One of the most hurtful comments I’ve received so far came from a consultant at work who shared how good friend of his at church had adopted his son from Guatemala many years ago. First, he congratulated me, then he said, “and don’t worry, they clean up well.” Part of me wanted to belt him, and part of me wanted to cry. A dear friend of mine once told me about a trip to the bank where her light skinned biracial kids were offered lollipops, while her darker skinned daughter was not. I’ve learned through this process that racism still pervades society in a variety of forms. I’ve gotten to know some families who’ve provided a lot of guidance on this topic, and can tell you this; the fact that we are now somewhat conspicuous will not impact our legitimacy, nor will it mean Carmen will be asked to totally forsake her heritage in order to achieve full legitimacy in the eyes of some.

• In a more subtle way, some try to apply their own reasoning to our adoption and declare that if we really wanted to adopt, we should have done X, Y, or Z instead of {fill in the blank}. In some cases people will simply ask the question - so why international, or why Guatemala? I generally give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just curious. But often times, they back it up with “instead of an American baby” or “instead of foster care”, etc. As if children who need homes should be stacked up in some type of hierarchy, and all prospective parents placed on a list where they have no say in the matter. While I do believe the adoption industry should encourage special needs and older child adoption, it’s not any one person’s place to judge another’s family building process (assuming that process is ethical and necessary for the child). Think about it, I could easily spin that back on any parent and tell them the same thing about having a child at all. I mean really, why go through pain of pregnancy and child birth in order to bring a child into the world when there are plenty who need a home? {Please don’t take me seriously there.} Not everyone who adopts is capable or willing to raise a child with disabilities. Not every family situation would be conducive to adopting “out of birth order” where the newly welcomed child is older than his or her siblings. I could go on, but the point is that people should not be excluded from adoption because they place parameters around the process and “type” of child they can bring into their family. The true answer to this question would be to find ways to encourage and train parents who might consider more “difficult” situations but are hesitant. I’ll be honest here to and admit that a lot of people place very tight parameters around their adoptions based on misconceptions or entitlement (again - next post). We are actually fairly good examples here because as first time parents we felt it best to start our family with an infant or toddler. I make no apologies for that.

There you have it. My not quite complete thoughts on legitimacy. I’ve got some other ideas swimming around in my head and some of these thoughts intertwine with some potential blog posts about cross ethnic adoption. At this point in my life, I’ve got some friends and blogger buds who have way more experience than I, so I’ll continue to learn from them.

I want you to know that 90% of the people I come into contact with view us as a legitimate family no questions asked. Our own families and church family have been incredibly accepting of Carmen and we’re grateful for that. I’m speaking mostly about how the media view’s adoption, how the web world (blogs and message boards) view adoption, and a fair share of other “acquaintances” (such as my co-worker) view ethnicity. For some reason, I’ve now got that song in my head… What is it? Who sings it???

We are family!

Posted on June 5th, 2008 by admin
Filed under: Adoption, Thoughts