CJs Daddy

Finally, I can reveal the news.  Of course, the full news is rather complicated, but in short.

We’re going to be foster parents.

There, I said it, our family is going to grow.
We’ve started the paperwork and training to become foster parents through our county children and youth services.  I suppose if you’ve been reading between lines in some of my posts, you’d figure out we’ve been working towards this for a couple of months.  We always knew we’d be heading down some process or another in order to bring another child into our home.  Of course, we knew we’d be doing this at some point, but we had to wait until we knew Carmen would be ready for a brother or sister.  Making certain anything we do would not have a negative impact on her is our primary concern.
Any child’s reaction to gaining siblings cannot be predicted, but CJ certainly loves kids of all ages, and has gotten settled well enough to handle the changes. It probably helps that our placement won’t happen until a couple of months after the holidays - so we have time to get back into a routine.  That leads me to answering a few obvious questions.  Keep in mind that the answer to a lot of questions when talking about foster care is often “depends on the situation.”

1)  Why are you doing this? Just as was the case when we began the process to adopt Carmen, we have so much love to share.  And now that CJ has become such an integral part of our family, and really shown how much she loves other children - we decided it was time to start working on growing the family.  As I’ll explain later, we understand foster care is often temporary, but that’s just it - it should not be.  Children in foster care should be there for the purpose of getting to know a permanent home in the event that they cannot be re-united with their parents.  In a nutshell, we believe as a family that we are supposed to grow, and that we are ready to do so.  We also believe that we have the capacity to handle the ups and downs of foster care, and possible temporary situation.

2)  Aren’t you planning to adopt again? Yah - that’s what this is all about actually.  We’ll be entering the foster care system with the intent and expectation of adopting.  Of course, that does not mean that when we receive a placement that we’ll automatically know we’ll be adopting that child.  What it means is that any child placed with us will progress toward adoption depending on how his or her parents progress once their child enters care.  The bottom line is - we can only control our side of things.  If a parent is deemed fit to have their child returned, than that’s what should happen.  However, if that doesn’t happen, we’ll be in position to adopt.  That said, we would more than likely not be placed with a child that the county knows with certainty will only be temporary.  On the other hand, no one can predict which parents will do the necessary work to gain their children back, and which ones won’t.  It’s also possible that at some point, we’ll be placed with a child that is already in process toward adoption.  To make a confusing explanation simpler - we’d have a good chance of adopting just about any child placed with us, but it will never be a guarantee.  In fact, we will possibly end up with one or more placements that do not lead to adoption.

3)  Why did you choose the foster care system rather than international or private adoption? You know, sometimes even the questions I ask myself don’t have clear cut answers, but here’s the gist.   It just seems like this is what we’re supposed to do.  I make a point not to judge other people’s family building methods, so I won’t.  Basically, for us, right now - we beleive this is the best process.  We’re not in a postion to go thorugh an internation adoption at this time, and the domestic infant programs that are out there just aren’t for us.  We likely will never go that route, but we might very well welcome a child through international adoption some time in the future.  Nothing has really changed in terms of the countries we ruled out previously, and Guatemala is closed to adoption right now.  The future might allow us to adopt from Guatemala again, and the new-ish programs in Ethiopia, Bulgaria, Haiti, and Marshall Islands are intriguing, but not for us right now.

4)  Aren’t the kids in foster care troublemakers? Ah, the biggest misconception out there about the foster care system.  In actuality, children end up in “the system” through no fault of their own.  It’s the inability of their parents to actually parent that cause them to end up there.   Sure, the system can be rough on them, particularly when parents, foster parents, case workers, and judges make poor decisions and they get jerked around.  But, every child deserves a home and a chance to thrive.  This is the key - a chance.  It really is that simple.  We believe we can provide the right balance of tough love and compassionate nurture for a children in that system.  From what I’ve learned so far, the foster care system is no where near as screwed up as it’s reputation.  Besides, even with it’s weaknesses, that’s all the more reason to advocate for the children involved.

5)  How will you handle giving a child back to their parents? This of course, is something for which we are taking training and will seek advice from social workers and other parents involved in the system.  The  bottom line is that reunificatin is one of the goals of the system, as it should be.  Sometimes parents need time to put their lives together, and we understand that.  It will be heartbreaking if and when that happens, but we’ll be prepared.  Amazingly, we already know some families involved with foster are, or in the process like us, so we have some resources there as well.  Talk about small world.

6) Is CJ really ready for this? Clearly, we cannot predict exactly, but as I said previously - she’s so into hanging with her cousins and the kids at church that we know she loves children.  We also know that if we sit around and wait until we think we’re all ready, it will never happen.  I mean - we waited and waited until we thought we were ready for our first adoption and our only regret has been that we waited too long.  Carmen’s development will be something we’ll be keeping an eye on as we bring home another child.  During our intensive attachment state, it would have been tricky to introduce another child into our home, particularly if it had been temporary.  It’s critical for adopted kids (actually all kids) to have a consistent stable situation.  Introdcing additional change would have been problematic.  But - we’re now almost 9 months down the road, and by the time we have a placement, it’ll likely be more than a year.

7)  Speaking of attachment - will you be practicing attachment pareting again? The short answer is - yes.  The long answer is - the exact approach will depend on the background and situation from which a child comes.  In other words - an infant that had relateively good care prior to placement might would lead to an approach similar to the one we used with CJ.  A 3 year old with a history of neglect would warrant an entirely different approach.

8)  So, what range of kid are you hoping foster? It’s a discussion with the red-head that’s till sortof in flux, but we’ve pretty much settled on 0-4.  I think as our family grows and we’re still involved in foster care, it’s possible we’ll foster older kids, but for now, we’ll stick with 4 and under and no gender or racial preference.

9)  Planning to blog about it? To steal a phrase - you betcha!  Please undertand that there’s a certain level of privacy involved that will prevent me from talking about quite a few details.  But still, I’m very excited to share this journey with my friends and family.  I’m still CJs Daddy, always will be CJs Daddy, but it’s that transforming journey to fatherhood that truly helped me realize that I want an even bigger family.  How big?  Stay tuned…

Posted on December 20th, 2008 by admin
Filed under: Adoption, Attachment, CJ, Foster Care, Uncategorized