On to what I really wanna write about. The road trip!

My last post was actually uploaded from my Father in Law’s house down in North Carolina. We have a wonderful visit with Grandpa in BBQ country. But, we’re talking about a 8.5 hour drive without kids. Yah. Um Yah - a bit scary no? Let’s review the trip.

Plan: Daddy works from home on a Wednesday, with the intention of giving the dog a bath and leaving right before a late naptime so the first part of our trip would consist of CJ napping. Then we would stop for a casual dinner and stay overnight half way to our destination.

Reality: CJ has a weary meltdown right around 1 and pretty much has to take her nap immediately or end up totally miserable for the rest of the day. A lot of nonsense comes up at work and the dog bath starts way too late in the afternoon.

Result: Family leaves about two hours after planned time. CJ finds a way to keep herself moderately happy until close to dinner time when the whining begins. Somehow we hold out until West Virginia where we searched out a Roy Rogers advertised from the highway. So we exit I-81 then see a sign telling us Roy’s is 2 miles. WHAT? Isn’t there a distance limit for these blue interstate signs? Turns out there was one visible from the highway from the very next exit. What gives? So we found our way to a rest stop and enjoyed our meal. What a difference a little break and a full belly does for a 14 month old. Oh what is it about a Roy Roger’s burger that tastes so much better? Maybe it’s because we don’t have many in PA? It just tasted like beef! So anyway - CJ was zonked within 10 minutes of getting back in her car seat and we made our way to the hotel by about 11PM.

None of us slept well, but we managed to hit the road at a reasonable time and had an excellent rest of the drive through beautiful Southern VA and NW Carolina. We had learned our lesson the night before and kept that little belly as full as possible.

CJ’s Grand-daddy being a minister, he often has last minute things to which he must attend - so we were able to hang around the parsonage for a bit prior to Grand-Daddy bear and Baby Punkin being re-united. CJ spent the rest of the afternoon just kindof keeping an eye on him, but by the next afternoon, they were buds again and she actually seemed peaved whenever he left the room.

And leave it to the resourceful minister to find a way to weave his little grand-daughter into his Sermon.  Little did I realize that CJ’s feisty play with a fork would become a lesson for an entire congregation!  You see, CJ has a way of checking out who’s in charge.  During one of our two trips to C&W Cafeteria (yummo!) Carmen decided to whack her fork on the table a few times.  After being told to stop, she paused looked at both me and her Grandfather….   then whacked her fork lightly on her plate.  What a great lesson in authority!

What else did we do?  Watched Grandpa work on his boat, watched Grandpa make French onion soup, watched Grandpa make pancakes, slept unfazed through a nasty T-storm, went to a fish fry (double yummo!) and met about 250 people in a matter of 2 hours!

CJ did great on the ride home, but that return turned out to be a bit of an adventure.  A few observations:

Hard boiled eggs are the perfect protein.  They’re cheap, fill a small belly, and take a little while to eat.

A child that sleeps for 2.5 hours without moving in a carseat will release her bladder, particularly if she’s had a cup of water and an 8 oz bottle.  This amount of liquid in that position will escape even a well applied diaper.

Sometimes dogs need to have their behinds wiped.  Good thing we carry a big supply these days.  If you need to ask - you don’t know my dog.

Travel stop proprietors are sexist.  They almost always place changing tables in lady’s rooms, but seldom men’s rooms.

OK, help me out here.  At one stop, there was indeed one of those fold down changing tables in the men’s room.  Instructions were provided in Braille.  So.  Um.  Yah.  This was at a gas station.  Let’s just take a leap of faith here.  I suppose I could see a blind person raising a child whose still in diapers.  I’m sure there are some examples out there.  Such a parent would need some assistance for sure, but I can imagine it working.  Let’s go the next step.   As I said, this was a gas station, but the blind man with the baby could certainly been a passenger.  And I’m certain a blind person could make their way to a restroom whether with a little direction or even a seeing eye dog.   Given all of that, I’m sure that same dude could navigate a public bathroom and even find the Braille equipped changing table, and follow the instructions.  Next step would be to lower the table and place the baby thereon.   No problem certainly.  Removing cloths and a diaper, certainly this could be done - I’m imagining myself doing this with my eyes closed.  Then we run into a problem.  You all know the next step in changing a diaper.  How would a blind person manage this?  How would he know when he that part of the job was complete?

OK, so after writing all of of that, I googled it and found some blogs, including one written by a blind person which details that it is indeed possible for them to change a diaper.  Wow - shows what I know.  I should never underestimate anyone!

Blessings to all.

She’s on the move, exerting her independence!

Yah, she’s walking. Completely full blown walking - like hardly ever crawls walking.
It’s amazing how at this stage she’s both easier and harder to handle. She’s harder because she’s now incredibly mobile - can even climb the steps. But she’s easier because I can put her down on her feet and she’s cool with it. Although she tumbles occasionally, she’s just more stable. She requires more defined boundaries now, but not really a constant eye.

Talking is coming a long a little more slowly, but all kids are differ in development so no biggie. Her fine motor skills are impressive, as she keeps her hands spread while playing the piano with Mommy, and helped Daddy put together that cool rocking moose you see in the vid. She actually placed the screws into the holes before I tightened everything.

Of course, there are other signs of independence that continue to develop - like using a fork, even if not every time. Although talking is still a ways off, she’s learning to be both polite and defiant. She’ll sign ‘more please” and almost always remember to add the please. Unless of course, it takes too long thereby which the fun begins. We’re trying to stay consistent and make here wait until the goes back into polite mode before giving her what she wants. As I’m sure you all know, consistency flat out works. Mini trantrums quickly dwindle in length if you are consistent.

Oh yah, here’s another thing that walking achieves.  New places to play.

I figure I might as well mix food with CJ again.  In the past 5 years I’ve gone from apathetic to enthusiastic about biscuits.  While I don’t quite get biscuits and gravy yet - I think it’s my part southern roots trying to come through.  Given that my wife’s family’s also from NC, it was inevitable that I’d have to deal with this dry-ish flaky bread phenomenon somehow.  I played along for many years, then it happened.

The Read Head seems to have figured them out.  Almost to perfection.

Oh yah, one more sign of independence to show ya’ll.

Anyone wanna guess what’s really going on in this picture?

Well, maybe this is the week.  As usual I’ve got a number of posts running through my head and rather than spend 3 hours attempting to organize my thoughts, I just thought it would be best to spend some time catching up on everyone I know in the blog world and re-organizing my own web site.

First things first.  How’s CJ?  Fantastic.

I put her to bed completely by myself tonight, and I remain up this late in moral support for the Red Head, who’s working on a “project” of her own at the moment.  More on that some other time.  One thing I will say we kick butt on would be transitions.  Through each stage of moving Carmen from co-sleeping to in her crib, we’ve spent a good week from step to step.  That pattern is incredible.  The first night of each stage goes perfectly, the second goes OK, the third is a disaster and we start to question our method.   Then we realize it’s only been three nights so we regain our patience and the problem resolves itself.  A few days later, we move on to the next stage.

At this point, we’re pretty much done - our bed-time routine will remain more or less the same at this point no matter what, particularly now that it doesn’t matter who does what or even exactly what time it happens.  Just as long as the routine sticks, Carmen falls asleep.  At this point, my only concern is that she almost always falls asleep during the 10 min of “cuddle” time that I’m not certain she’s fully capable of falling asleep in her crib.  She has done it, just not all that often yet.  The routine itself takes about 20-30 min (depending on any “movements”) and she’s asleep within 10 minutes of when we actually “put” her to sleep, so I won’t complain.

Let me tell you this girl is such an amazing blessing to our family.  It’s perplexing to me that anyone would ever suggest she should be grateful to us!!!  But, I digress - my blogging has been very serious lately so I’m chilling out at least until I can formulate complete thoughts on such matters again.

I’ve re-vamped my blogroll, organizing it into categories

Blogroll is exactly that.  These are just favorite blogs of mine that don’t fit into any of the other possible categories.  These are friends of mine or blogger buddies who’s cares, joys, or opinions I value greatly.  There are a couple of people that I want to get permission from first.  If you’ve commented here with a link to your blog, or have me linked over, then I’m assuming I have permission. I also removed some links I had for folks who have gone private.

Adoption blogs - again - self explanitory.  These folks are involved in adoption in some way shape or form. Some are natural moms who placed their children for adoption.  Some are adoptees.  Some are adoptive parents.  As it turns out some folks in my other categories are involved in adoption as well, but that’s not how I met them, or perhaps that’s not their focus.

Issues blogs may involve adoption related topics, but I go to these places for commentary, perspective, and ideas in relation to faith, racism, trans-racial parenting, etc.  I would encourage anyone to check these places out, but before you go, please know that I feel I have grown a lot in the past 2-3 years when it comes to these issues.

3 years ago, i don’t think I could have parented a non-white child.  2 years ago, I don’t think I could have parented a child of African or Latino descent.  A year ago, I might have said that race didn’t really matter, that all you need is love to make a trans-racial family work. Today, I feel like there’s more to that story, and I’m still learning it.  I’m learning that I can’t just pay lip service to my daughter’s background.  I’m learning in some endeavors in my community (more on that soon) that even given my humble background, I don’t really know poverty. I’m learning from some of the bloggers I have, and from these issues sites as well.  I do not always agree with what some of these folks say. In fact, they are often way over the top IMO.  But, they are researching the issues much more deeply and honestly than anyone, and they are experiencing the reality of which they blog.  That makes it more than commentary.

In pointing out cleaned up links, I also want to highlight a few awesome bits and pieces.  My dear friend over at Madre of Angelica received some cool news recently, as did the ever witty and clever Tash.  I’ve re-discovered a particularly well written and like-minded blogger who actually sometimes could be in my issues category.  Some new blogs include Bear’s Mommy - a first mom of great faith and insight - and a great mom to be sure.

You’ll notice a new blog badge along the right for the Red Letter’s Campaign.  Click away to read all about this awesome new initiative that brings people together from all kinds of backgrounds, with all kinds of callings who seek to unite in an effort to irradiate poverty, suffering, and hopelessness around the globe.  If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at the concept of ending world hunger, or just thought to yourself that it cannot be done - check out the Red Letters Campaign and you’ll gain hope and inspiration.  My Blog Bud, Angel is one of the leaders, and has written quite a bit about her journey to being called to such a ministry. Oh, and incedently, she just recently brought her daughter home from China.  Talk about busy?  Take a vaction my friend!

Oh, and what have I been up to?  Dealing with the re-organization at work (no worries - no job cuts), and advocating for the folks who now report to me to gain some additional training.  So far so good, as I really have a good relationship with my own boss and some other key folks who “pay the bills”.  This is one of those - spend $5K now and save 4 “person-hours” per week deals, not to mention user buy in that’s critical to the success of several projects.  Wish me luck on that front.  My days have been very full at work, but luckily no so many silly long hours except maybe once every week or two.

Just gotta post some picks of one of my latest food adventures.  Completely new to me.  What’s smokin?

Brisket and taters - that’s what!  Yah, that tasted as good as it looks.

I posted my Father’s Day message but didn’t talk much about what we did that day!  After relaxing during nap time - napping myself as a matter of fact, we headed out in search of some good Mexican food.  There’s a fairly popular local chain here called Alebreje that we really like.  They are cheap and reliable, but also a bit “Tex-Mex” and slightly Americanized.  I wanted to try a new place downtown called Mezcal’s, which has an awesome looking menu.  We parked, trotted over, opened the door (complete with bell to alert the proprietor), and discovered no one.  I mean no one.  We stood there in an empty dining room for a few minutes, then I peeked into the bar area - still no one.  So we left!  Then we headed over to another Mexican joint that had been recommended to us, but we only tried it once and loved it.  Unforunately, La Cocina is closed on Sundays now - please update your web site!  So, we headed to old reliable and had an excellent meal, including some of the best tortilla soup anywhere.

Of course, I also received a card from my daughter, and a picture frame full of CJ!.  Here’s a snapshot of my little cutie making my Daddy’s day card.

That’s it for now.  Blessings to all, and one for the road.  Carmen and her new fav fruit, right out of the patch.

I’ve had the honor and pleasure of providing the Father’s Day message this morning. Just wanted to post it here for anyone who might wanna know what I’ve learned since becoming CJs Daddy. As for a general update, we’re having home PC trouble so I’ve been wrestling with that rather than spending my evenings blogging and reading blogs. There’s also some been some re-org at work (fine with me) so I’ve fallen behind in the blog and message board worlds.

CJs cutting her molars right now, walking on her own about 50% of the time, and just pooped in the toilet about 90 minutes ago. Yah, I couldn’t believe it either. Blessings to all - I’m on my way to catching up now!

—————————————————————————–

What I believe about Fatherhood

Good morning and Happy Father’s day. Let me tell you, I’ve had a number of people tell me that this morning, and it feels pretty darn good.

Before we brought Carmen home, all of you told us what joy she would bring to both Melissa and me. Many of you also made a point to comfort us at the end of our long wait by assuring us that she’d be home soon and that you’d continue to pray for us. Once we got “the call” you told us that at just under a year old, she’ll be playful, interactive, and curious — her personality will be shining. She’ll be able to feed herself to some extent, but still want to cuddle up for a bottle. Of course, it goes without saying that we’d much prefer to have had her home sooner. But, everything you told us turned out to be absolutely true.

However, there are a few things you left out, and given my wife’s education and work, I’m thinking she knew about all of this and selectively didn’t remember this stuff either…

Why didn’t anyone tell me that children learn to whine before they learn to talk? How is this even possible? How is it even possible that a child can whine without being able to say what it is she’s whining about? All the whining I remember hearing from my nephews included actual words.

I knew way in advance that teething really really hurts, that it makes sleep and eating difficult. Makes perfect sense. Having my wisdom teeth removed a couple of years ago caused as much pain as I remember ever having. So having teeth grow out through your gums has to be excruciating. But. Why didn’t anyone tell me that teething also has a major impact on other, ehem, bodily functions? It doesn’t even make sense, the consumption of food actually decreases during teething, yet, well, you know, other rather nasty unspeakable things happen. Carmen has had exactly 2 “blow-outs” as professionals call them, and both were during teething. I’d love for someone working in the medical profession to explain that to me.

If there’s anything ya’ll would like to share with me about what I’m up against the next few years, please don’t hesitate

When the subject of a Father’s day message came up at a recent Elders meeting, the rest of the Elders thought I might be interested in sharing with the congregation what Fatherhood means to me, and what I’ve learned since becoming a father.

The next day, I heard something on the radio that while not pertinent to the subject matter, it gave me some ideas as to how to organize my thoughts.

NPR has a series of features called “This, I believe, “ where listeners who don’t normally work in media write essays on subjects that are important to them. Sometimes it’s just goofy, sometimes casual, and sometimes it’s quite serious and opinionated. It’s always interesting, even if I don’t understand or agree with the actual commentary. So that’s kindof my way of thinking about this message. Not having studied scripture in depth, or not having had years of experience as a father, that’s all I can go on right now. What I believe.

It’s only been a short time, but given the lengthy preparation, I’m certain I’m getting a handle on not just how to be a father, but what it means to be a father. I thought I’d share with you this morning some of what I’ve learned through the process of becoming a Daddy, talk a little bit about how I believe media and the church view fatherhood rightly and wrongly, and what I believe it means to be a father.

In order to do that, I had to think about when it was that I became a father in the first place. If you ask our some people, I became a father the moment I decided I wanted to be one. That seems like a bit of a stretch, especially considering I’m not sure I could say with certainty when exactly that happened for me.

I would say that uncle-hood gives one a taste of father-hood to some degree. I’ve been an uncle since I was 6 years old, I’ve got a bunch of nephews, as well as several step nieces and nephews. I’m even an uncle-in-law, a great uncle, and an honorary uncle. Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure and responsibility of experiencing all that being an uncle has to offer. I’d literally do anything and everything for my nieces and nephews, just as I would for my immediate family. I love all of them unconditionally.

The problem with considering this too much of a taste of fatherhood is precisely because I cannot do anything and everything for them. Even though I would be there for them, I’m not actually there for them. They don’t rely on me for anything except the love and care I express for them when we’re together, and I can hope that I can be a positive influence in their lives in some way. So sure, you can get an idea of what fatherhood might be like, but it’s just not the same thing.

Our adoption social worker would say I became a father the day after Mother’s day last year, when we visited her office, fist saw Carmen’s picture, and learned that she would be our daughter. This is the day where I fell out of love with the idea of being a Daddy and in love with the little baby girl who would be my daughter.

One might consider our trip last August to Guatemala when I had an opportunity to spend 5 days actually fathering her. Given that for the next 6 months I could literally still feel the weight of her body in my arms and the sound of her laugh and cry in my head, there’s something to be said for that notion.

I really don’t lend a lot of credence to bureaucrats providing justification of me as a parent, but it’s worth noting that I could think of at least 6 different dates during which different government agencies declared my fatherhood to be approved.

Confused yet? I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not exactly sure when I would consider myself to have become a father, but I’m not going to let anyone else dictate that to me either.

Here are some other things I’ve learned since becoming a Dad.

I’ve learned that a high chair aged child and the family dog have a symbiotic relationship. I think in any family dynamic that includes animals, this relationship is critical for them both to become accepting of one another. The dog says – alright, I know you didn’t mean to pull my tail so hard, but I’ll allow it since we had bacon for breakfast this morning, and I’m pretty sure Mommy’s got a pork roast in the crock pot. Before you arrived, it was always lamb and rice pellets, so my live has improved.

I’ve also learned that while certainly an imperfect effort, young toddlers can actually keep about 50% of their food on their plates. With a little sign language instruction, they can even say please and thank you. Honestly, I had no idea this was possible. I was totally prepared for pointing and grunting until at least Thanksgiving. Of course this little foray into baby sign language has created some problems. Apparently Carmen believes that if she signs “please” repeatedly, this means she’s earned the right to just about anything she wants. One of the strangest things I’ve heard Melissa say in recent weeks would be: “Carmen I don’t care how many times you say please, you cannot have any of Penny’s dog food.”

I’ve also learned that the difficulty in getting a child to sleep is inversely proportional the level of tiredness. This one completely baffles me as well. There’s no other common endeavor where effort actually thwarts success. Why would anyone intentionally keep themselves awake for so long when the solution to their misery can be found by just giving up?

In all seriousness, Fatherhood really is a dream come true for me, only I didn’t really know for what it was I had been dreaming until I received it. In other words, I knew I wanted to be a father, but I didn’t know what it meant to be a father, I didn’t know exactly what I believed about Fatherhood itself.

Almost 2 years ago, when Melissa and I decided to pursue adoption, we were faced with the task of self examination of our inner selves. We each had to fill out questionnaires and write essays that describe personalities, our faith, and our parenting philosophy. I summed up my faith by describing how in awe I have always been by the unconditional nature of Grace. The pure freedom of living life knowing that God will be there no matter what miserable state my life might be in was incredibly appealing to me. In fact, I specifically cited Romans 5 as my favorite section of the Bible. This chapter makes it clear on several levels that God’s salvation is free, and that although our sin deserves punishment, Christ saves all of us through Grace.

I looked up Romans 5 on a web site called “Bible Gateway” which offers several translations of the scriptures, and can be useful in terms of getting an understanding of a passage by seeing more than one phrase translated in slightly different ways. I had been really hesitant to force some kind of connection between giving a Father’s day message and today’s assigned scripture reading, but it became clear very quickly as I re-read.

The King James Version starts off like this:

1 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

But then I started looking at different translations, each with different headings for that section. I always find headings interesting because someone somewhere had to decide the intended meaning of the text for themselves, then publish it for the world to see. I ‘m not sure if they are a good idea in general, because first time readers might assume a generally accepted understanding, but many Bibles use them, so it is what it is I guess.

Here are a few examples of headings that I really liked from various translations of Romans 5. I hope you can see how they parallel parenthood …

Peace and Joy

Results of Justification

Developing Patience

Faith Brings Joy

Faith Triumphs in Trouble

There are some I did not like. For instance:
Those Declared Righteous Are Reconciled.

This is precisely the opposite of how I read Romans. Romans, to me makes a specific point to say that we are reconciled in spite of our inability to be righteous. In spite of the fact that we keep on sinning, all we have to do is accept God’s Grace, and we are reconciled. Of course, Christ’s teachings still guide us toward righteous living, and the concept of free salvation isn’t meant to be an “out” for bad behavior. But what I believe Romans 5 tell us specifically that in terms of reconciliation and salvation, we are not to be concerned with righteousness.

My favorite heading came from the “Contemporary English Version” which states:
What It Means To Be Acceptable to God

Essentially, Romans 5 tells us that all we have to do to be right with God is to accept his Grace. In fact, it says repeatedly that Christ has already made the sacrifice that makes us right with God. This is where I find the parallel to family again. I’m not comfortable making comparisons between God/Father and myself Father, but I do see parallels between the relationships described here.
This also leads me to point out the problems with some ways the media and some even within the Church portray Fatherhood. I think religious people and politicians tend to talk about defending the family way too much, as if the rest of us are so fragile that we need their protection. Politicians drone on and on about how every idea they spout is aimed at families. Talk about pandering to the masses. I can’t think of a single thing a politician can do for me that could strengthen or harm my family in the spiritual sense. The problem is that neither of these groups always make it very clear who it is they are talking about when they mention family. I mean, I’m all for lower taxes because I’d love to save more, buy more, and invest more, but just how is a tax cut going to strengthen my family? I make no judgment here on individual choices, but just how is the defense of marriage act going to defend my marriage?

The Church is often no worse than government. A recent Christian family media organization published an essay that included the following passage. Some of you may have read this. In talking about his experience as a Father, the author writes:

Some of the most awe-inspiring moments come when I clearly see myself in one of the kids. From the shape of a nose to the tone of voice, each child expresses traces of his mother and me. It is like an artist seeing a bit of himself in what he creates. I think God allows us to become parents so we can sample what it feels like for Him to be our Father.

See what I mean about how uncomfortable it can be to compare our own earthly fatherhood to that of our Lord and Creator? Don’t get me wrong, being the spitting image of my Dad, I understand the awesome connection we have when people know we’re related without anyone telling them. When I was 15, my friends used to ask why I had a black and white picture of myself hanging in the foyer of our home. It’s kinda cool that my brother and I can call just about anyone else in the family without caller id and they aren’t sure if it’s me or him because we sound so much alike.

I’ll just be straight with you if you couldn’t guess already. I’m awe inspired by my daughter’s nose, her voice, and everything else about her simply because God has entrusted her to my care. The fact that she looks nothing like me has nothing to do with our legitimacy as a family.

The same would be true in lots of other types of families. In fact, I would argue that family is simply what we make of it through the love that God provides, and Romans 5 can be part of our model. Remember Romans tells us that to be acceptable to God has nothing to do with what WE have done. It has everything to do with what Christ has done.

We are acceptable to God in spite of all our massive, helpless, and sometimes intentional sinfulness. As such, in order to have a strong family, we are acceptable to one another in spite of ourselves. Unconditional love would be the key term here.
I mean, think about it. As a parent, how could our love for our children be the least bit conditional? Children are both helpless and inherently selfish. What has a child in the womb or one waiting in a far away land ever done for us? Yet, we love them anyway, whether biological or adoptive, we love our children before we ever see them, hold them, hear them, or receive a single hug. That’s what I believe God intends from Fatherhood, from parenthood.
What’s the most common thing we experience from our children when they are young? They cry, they eat, they poop, they require all kinds of attention. Yet, they can’t dress themselves, they can’t feed themselves, and most of the time, they can’t even put themselves to sleep without our help. Yet through meeting their needs, we express our love. Through all the work, lost sleep, unfinished chores, and messy diapers, our love grows.

This is what I believe God wants from us as his children too. He wants for us to place our needs at his feet and allow him to express his love. In fact, I believe this is what he wants from family in general, which is precisely why we shouldn’t allow anyone, and I mean anyone to define our family for us.

I believe a family to be any group of people devoted to meeting one another’s needs and allowing other’s to meet theirs – unconditionally. Many of us are step parents or step children. Some of us live with aunts and uncles, cousins, or even best friends. Some of us are single parents or couples without children or empty nesters. I’ve seen way to many awesome families that simply don’t fit the traditional label to say that any one way to form or maintain a family should be labeled as traditional in the first place.

One of my favorite movies from a few years back is called “About a Boy” which tells the story of a fatherless child and a childless father getting to know one another through a series of fits and starts. During the film, the shallow and childish Will pretends to be a single Father in order to meet women by engaging them through sympathy. When one single Moms calls him on it, and he’s forced to invent a fictional son he names Ned in order to impress the woman. Another boy named Marcus discovers this charade and blackmails him into allowing him to spend time at his cool bachelor pad. In reality, Marcus’ father is long gone, and his mother suffers from severe depression. Marcus’ motivation is more noble than Will’s, but still deceitful as he attempts to influence Will into falling in love with his mother. Although that type of relationship never takes root, the three develop not just a friendship, but a need for the other. Will realizes how rewarding it can be to have someone rely on you, and Marcus learns to trust a man for the first time in his life.
They become so close, that Marcus conspires (pretending to be his son) with Will to help him win over Rachel, the true woman of his dreams. The plan backfires when their lie is exposed, and their friendship disintegrates as a result. Eventually, Will’s unable to control his love for Marcus and ends up risking his own “cool” reputation by assisting Will in his school talent show. Unbeknownst to both of them, Rachael observes the entire ordeal, and realizes before anyone else, that Will is indeed Marcus’ father precisely because of the love and support he has shown to the boy. This scenario isn’t as far fetches as it sounds. As you might expect, I believe that we all have a need to be needed, and when we find out how to make that happen, this is when God sanctions families.

It’s that unconditional devotion, that drive to express love that comes through in a movie like that which I believe is at the heart of fatherhood. It’s not something we can really explain unless you experience it for yourself. It’s that free grace that we are to imitate in our own homes in terms of free and unconditional care and love for one another that makes a family.

There are some other things that no one really prepared me for, and if the did, the notion didn’t get through until I experienced it myself. I didn’t realize I would not just empathize, but feel real physical pain in response my daughter crying. I didn’t realize an entire day of frustration would be wiped away at the site of her crawling toward me upon arriving home. I didn’t realize that the thought of someone creating a negative environment around my daughter would cause actual anger. I didn’t realize that the site of Carmen placing a round peg into the proper hole on a toy train, or sticking her fork into a piece of chicken would be so mesmerizing!

Back to Romans for a minute.

Later in Romans 5, Paul writes.

20 God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.

Here’s that parallel and lesson for family again. As we continue to grow as a family, our love abounds, The challenges increase, as Carmen continues to develop into her own person, all the while God’s grace becomes more abundant, so does my lover for her. So does the strength of my Fatherhood.

I’ve been finding myself drawn to considering both of these topics as they pertain to adoption lately. As you may know, I read a lot of blogs and message boards that view many different slants on the various forms of adoption.

The two concepts just keep criss crossing eachother for a variety of places and contexts, and I just don’t feel like I fit the norm (at least among the web addicted crowd) when it comes to either. Let me define the terms as I understand them in the context of adoption.  I’m struggling to complete my thoughts on both of these, and don’t really want a book long post, so I’ll start with just one…

Legitimacy to me means simply justification, rightousness, or even realness. At it’s core - justification would answer the question, “were we jutstified in adopting Carmen?” Rightousness would have more to do with are we good and honorable people for having done so. Not just in terms of conducting the process ethically, but is the act of adoption itself a righteous thing. Realness would be exactly what it sounds. Are we a real family, or second rate? Do our differences in terms of biology and ethnicity create too many obstacles to being a legitimate family?

Believe it or not, I’m discovering that there are drastically different view points on both Legitimacy and Entitlement. I’ll start with…

Legitimacy

There are a number of POVs to examine here.

• First, there’s a whole school of thought out there that says (or at least leaves the distinct impression) that adoption is a horrible thing. Many people hate adoption because it removes a baby from it’s biological family. Believe it or not, I totally understand and to an extent agree with the first POV. There’s no getting around the truth that someone lost a family member. Carmen lost her first mother and her second mother, and they both lost her. Whether voluntary or not, it’s a reality. If we as adoptive parents don’t understand that, then we’re working with one hand tied behind our back when the times come that Carmen needs to express her feelings about how she came to be our daughter. However, as I said, this is our reality, and I do not feel compelled to justify the legitimacy of our adoption to all naysayers. While the loss of her family in Guatemala can be viewed as tragic, that will never detract from the beauty of the family that has been formed her in our home. Relinquishment, abandonment, and the circumstances that cause them are horrible, while adoption and the process that allow it to create families is a miracle. Hold that thought on miracles for later though.

• The red-head and I also experience frustration when people de-legitimize Carmen’s family in Guatemala.  I read a lot of message board nonsense about people being offended when they are asked about their child’s “real parents” - as if we are pretend or something.  Similar threads focus on things like “is she yours” or “where’d you get her” kind of comments. While I do understand the offense to some degree, and really try to guide people to more appropriate language,  I’m not so much concerned about those types of things, assuming they are not overheard by CJ.  I generally believe people are curious about adoption, but don’t know how to ask questions.   What truly bothers me are attitudes that negate the legitimacy of an adopted child’s other families.  Let’s face it, CJ has 3 families, we’ve accepted that (yes, I know we are her “real” permanent family).  But one of the things that get’s my goat are negative attitudes toward natural mothers.  Believe me, this attitude comes as much from adoptive parents as it does anyone else.  Within the context of complaining about “real mom” comments, it’s perplexing how many people toss in the fact that the birth mom has no meaning to them, they aren’t real mothers because they only provided DNA.  Or that they were wise to choose adoption because they could never have provided a good home for their child anyway.  [Side note here - I realize that in many cases, parents have made dangerous choices are acted abusively and thus a child really may be "better off" so to speak.  I still believe it important and healthy to maintain respect and compassion for your child's natural parents in these cases].  On the other hand, I regularly hear people talk about how much love they have for their child’s birth mom for providing them the gift of a child.  There was even a rather sad thread on one message board about how people secretly hope their child’s birth mom would get pregnant again so they can adopt their second child.  This smacks of entitlement to me (that’ll be another post), but it also de-legitimizes a woman who truly made a heart wrenching decision and should be respected as a mother, not a vessel.

• On a similar POV to the first - there’s an even tougher reaction to adoption, and sometimes specifically international adoption, out there where people express disdain for adopted kids and cross ethnic families. I’m sure it seem unfathomable to most of you, but in many families, adopted kids are treated differently. Literally like second rate children. Anyone ever see the Royal Tenembaums? It’s actually a hillarious movie, but it was sad to see Gene Hackman always introduces Gweneth Paltrow as his adopted daughter. This was not meant as a compliment, and while adoptive parents rarely do this these days, the media and a large part of society still view the adopted child in a stigmatized way. Adoptees are often the “third” member of the “adoption triad” and literally have the least amount of rights, even as adults. Their history in terms of adoption records, original birth certificates, etc is often sealed in a box that they cannot access. Adopted kids have certain needs in certain aspects of their life that are different than biological children. But this in no way should deligitimize their completeness as family members, and it should not mean they should have their rights trampled.

• The same goes for Carmen as a Latina member of our family. Sure, she’s fully American, but she’s also fully Guatemalan, Latin American, and Mayan. One of the most hurtful comments I’ve received so far came from a consultant at work who shared how good friend of his at church had adopted his son from Guatemala many years ago. First, he congratulated me, then he said, “and don’t worry, they clean up well.” Part of me wanted to belt him, and part of me wanted to cry. A dear friend of mine once told me about a trip to the bank where her light skinned biracial kids were offered lollipops, while her darker skinned daughter was not. I’ve learned through this process that racism still pervades society in a variety of forms. I’ve gotten to know some families who’ve provided a lot of guidance on this topic, and can tell you this; the fact that we are now somewhat conspicuous will not impact our legitimacy, nor will it mean Carmen will be asked to totally forsake her heritage in order to achieve full legitimacy in the eyes of some.

• In a more subtle way, some try to apply their own reasoning to our adoption and declare that if we really wanted to adopt, we should have done X, Y, or Z instead of {fill in the blank}. In some cases people will simply ask the question - so why international, or why Guatemala? I generally give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just curious. But often times, they back it up with “instead of an American baby” or “instead of foster care”, etc. As if children who need homes should be stacked up in some type of hierarchy, and all prospective parents placed on a list where they have no say in the matter. While I do believe the adoption industry should encourage special needs and older child adoption, it’s not any one person’s place to judge another’s family building process (assuming that process is ethical and necessary for the child). Think about it, I could easily spin that back on any parent and tell them the same thing about having a child at all. I mean really, why go through pain of pregnancy and child birth in order to bring a child into the world when there are plenty who need a home? {Please don’t take me seriously there.} Not everyone who adopts is capable or willing to raise a child with disabilities. Not every family situation would be conducive to adopting “out of birth order” where the newly welcomed child is older than his or her siblings. I could go on, but the point is that people should not be excluded from adoption because they place parameters around the process and “type” of child they can bring into their family. The true answer to this question would be to find ways to encourage and train parents who might consider more “difficult” situations but are hesitant. I’ll be honest here to and admit that a lot of people place very tight parameters around their adoptions based on misconceptions or entitlement (again - next post).  We are actually fairly good examples here because as first time parents we felt it best to start our family with an infant or toddler. I make no apologies for that.

There you have it.  My not quite complete thoughts on legitimacy.  I’ve got some other ideas swimming around in my head and some of these thoughts intertwine with some potential blog posts about cross ethnic adoption.  At this point in my life, I’ve got some friends and blogger buds who have way more experience than I, so I’ll continue to learn from them.

I want you to know that 90% of the people I come into contact with view us as a legitimate family no questions asked.  Our own families and church family have been incredibly accepting of Carmen and we’re grateful for that.  I’m speaking mostly about how the media view’s adoption, how the web world (blogs and message boards) view adoption, and a fair share of other “acquaintances” (such as my co-worker) view ethnicity.  For some reason, I’ve now got that song in my head…  What is it?  Who sings it???

We are family!

With a long weekend coming up, I’m sure I could easily knock out a few of those chores. Not gonna happen! We’ve got 75 degree sunny weather coming up, and a bike trailer to test out!

I find myself squeezing in activites, important phone calls, and chores during naptime. If naptime gets cut short, then fewer items get crossed off the list.

Work has been rather busy lately, “going live” with some new software and data conversion. My current project is semi-inherited, essentially two projects merged late in the game when they should have been spec’d out together initially. That leaves me in a constant state of compromise between programmers, users, vendors, and VPs. Everyone seems to be settling in finally, but I still have some troublemakers. I actually had to tell someone old enough to be my mother to be quiet and listen during a meeting as she repeatedly interrupted the person attempting to answer her questions. Prior to that I tried every combination of more polite suggestions - “hang on”, “wait a sec, I think V’s about to answer that”, “give him a minute”. I was pretty close to telling her to shut up. I just can’t use language like that at work.

It’s all soooooo worth it though when I come home and see this amazing face…

“How’s that baby of yours?” Quite easily the most common question I get at work. It actually feels good to just be asked that question rather than, “when’s that baby of your’s coming home?” Well, as you can see, she’s certainly at home.

Second most popular question for any new parent would be?

You guessed it - does she sleep through the nigh? Thanks to some help from a stuffed blue footed boobie - CJ has been sleeping through the night for several weeks now. I’d say she has one rough night a week, usually due to being overtired, or from her silly parents doing something to throw off the routine. The funny thing about the stuffed bird is that Carmen just has not been all that enamoured with stuffed animals. She has a few she likes (a teddy bear our social worker gave her, a stuffed duck she got for Easter, and a Snoopy we already had). But she has latched onto that bird and isn’t happy when he’s not around for bed time. Many thanks to K for giving up the boobie for the baby!

The poor thing still doesn’t have a name yet. Any ideas? No, this is not an advertisement for Graco, but we’re taking offers!

Another common question - she walking yet? Almost!!! She’ll take a few steps then pretty much take a dive. As everyone keep saying - she’ll walk on her own when she’s ready.

One more popular question answered with photo evidence. Does she eat well? Um Duh! I’m not sure there’s much she won’t eat. So far, she’s had pretty much all the typical table foods, plus some surpising things like salmon, lamb, mushrooms, black olives, and hummus. No kidding. So far, she’s only totally rejected cauliflower. Everything else seems agreeable on the second try. But what does she really like?

Donuts, particularly a certain home-made donut made by the mommy of some of CJ’s new friends. I can honestly tell you - I really wanted to eat them pretty much this way myself. She was shoving it in so fast, she ended up gagging. Same here.

You might be wondering if it’s all fun and games. Not even close. She can cry, whine, and show attitude as much as any 1 year old girl. When trying to solve a problem, she’s as persistent as they come. She’ll try over and over, let out a yelp, then keep trying until she gets it right. We’ve had an opportunity to see her playing with other kids, some quite a bit older, and she absolutely loves it. A couple of times, an older kid would try to take something out of her hands and receive the same yelp and dirty look. I’m pretty sure she learned the look from her mother, who’s starting to work on table manners a bit already.

All in all - we’re having an absolute blast. I really don’t deserve this joy, this amazing gift from God, but I’ll take it anyway. I keep searching, but I have not found any brown in her eyes yet - they are an amazing glassy black.

I’m not even going to look up the dictionary definition, because I know a Mother when I see one.  And I’ve seen plenty - so I’m as close as a man will ever come to being an expert.

There are many kinds of Mother’s. Like most people, I’ve had lots of people mother me in my life - everyone from Aunts, to family friends, and even my sisters when I was very young since they are - um well, um - half a generation older and wise beyond my years.  And of course, my Granny has always been my Granny - an “Grand” mother.

My mom and I were very close.  We are very close.  I think about her explicitly every day, and somehow she always seems to be on my mind.  I’m not exactly in the mood to recap a bunch of memories, so I’ll just move on with my point.  When she passed away (me having just turned 14), lots of women become my mother.   My sisters as much as they could even as they raised my nephews.  Many of my friends mothers made a point to send some motherly love my way, particularly my best friend and girl friend’s mothers. These were women who were not obligated and certainly never tried to replace my mom, but nevertheless allowed me to be a teenager alongside their kids as I struggled with my loss, and moved beyond it.

I truly believe that not for these women, I could very well have found the wrong path in life.  I don’t think any one of these amazing women identified me as a teen at risk and took it upon themselves to keep me on the straight and narrow, they just were mothers, plain and simple.  I’ve seen the same women be mothers to many other people, become mother-in-laws, and grandmothers since then.  It’s just who they are.  They care, the share, the love - they are mothers.  I always think about them on Mother’s Day.

Later, as I became an adult, my step-mom and also after my mother-in-law became my mothers in the truest sense of the word possible.  Note that I’m not saying “like” a mother, but simply a mother.  The loss of my Mother-in-Law and to some extent my Granny, left voids in my life.  My step-mom in particular, along with church mothers, and some friends mothers have all continued to be the mothers in my life - not filling the void so to speak, but just being someone’s mom, in some ways and at some times, mine.  It’s amazing how mothering just comes natural to some women.  I think about these women on Mother’s day as well.

As I’ve now spent some time as a Daddy to an amazing little girl, I cannot help but also revel at the mother’s she’s had in her life and how they have nurtured and loved her, who loved love her.  Her first mom, O, whom cared for her in her womb, so has experienced the joy of seeing her little face as soon as she was born, and made the most painful decision a woman could ever make.  It’s hard not to think of pain when I think of O, but given the obvious circumstances, I don’t know what her state of mind might be.  I pray she has some joy in her life.  I pray that I can meet her some day, and that Carmen can come to know her as well.

Carmen’s foster mama, N, holds a special place in our family.  One of the most amazing mothers I’ve had the honor of meeting, raising four awesome kids, fostering children in need of a home.  While she experienced the joy of raising sweet CJ for almost a year, I know she endures the the pain of losing her as well.  Mama N has such a vibrant faith and outward compassion for children, I can’t wait to see her, her family, and her country again.

My wife has always been quite motherly as well.  She always, and I mean always places other’s comfort before her own.  She’ll wake up with cramped legs just because she doesn’t want to kick the cat off the bed.  She’d takes the time to make yeast rolls, real cranberry sauce, and two kinds of pie(with real pie crust), sugar cake, chocolate chip cookies, lemonade, fruit salad, brownies, and pound cake because she knows someone likes each one of those things.   She’ll stay up all night helping someone she just met to make a cake because she already cares about and loves that person.  She held a trash can for me to barf in after I had my wisdom teeth removed.  When she was working, she would prepare dinner and desert for her staff, along with the staff meeting agenda, and staff reviews even if they were all slacking off that month and didn’t deserve jack squat.

She’s always wanted to be a mommy, but she’s always been a mother to many people, even many years ago.

This weekend, I looked across the table at CJ’s Mommy and I saw the red-head warning her daughter not to throw noodles on the floor.  Tonight, I saw her coughing and watched CJ close her eyes, cover her mouth, and nod her head in response - mimicking almost exactly what she saw her mommy doing.  Later in the evening, while having a slightly rough moment, I saw CJ crawl accross the floor toward her mommy and shout - shout - mamamamamamamamama!!!!

Yup, I know a Mother when I see one.

According to the peacock here’s how they describe them - Grandparent, stepmom, or mom to adopted children, each one raising and loving a child. A priceless gift for everybody.

Doesn’t sound to bad when you read the description - but who the heck approved the use of the term Non-Mom? I’d love to have sat in on that meeting - didn’t anyone cringe at all? I can see maybe - maybe separating out Grandparents for special recognition, but are they really suggesting that stepmoms and adoptive moms cannot be considered for the other favorite mom categories?

Maybe I’m over-reacting to this a little bit, but it just seems like the media doesn’t really get adoption some times. They always want to set it aside and talk about out how those moms don’t have their “own” kids or how they’ve done some great humanitarian deed. Talk about stigma!!!

I’ll hope back and post something much nicer for REAL Mother’s day this weekend.

Ugh

UPDATE: Apparently tons of angry parents contacted NBC and their sponsors.  The site has been updated.  Talk about swift response!

The Read Head writes much more eloquently on the ins and outs of getting settled into new routines, so let me take a minute and discuss what they mean for me.  I said back when I started my original blog that this would be my place to publish my thoughts, so she can’t be pinned down for anything dumb I might say.  So here goes.

These past three weeks have been absolutely amazing for me as a daddy.  Thinking back to our first post placement visit - just a week after we got home, our social worker asked if she felt like she was our daughter, and neither of us hesitated - the answer was yes.  Then a few weeks later, I reflected that our feeling of family continued to grow.

Now, I’m amazed to report that not only do I feel like CJ is my daughter, it genuinely seems like she sees me as her daddy.  It’s not that anything was wrong before, but her personality has just blossomed in recent weeks to the point where I can now see her as I imagine her foster family did.  It might seem like a weird thing to point out, and I really hate to leave the impression that we were not bonded earlier, but there’s just something I’ve noticed lately in her eyes, in her laughter, in her crawl, and even in her cry.

It fear that I left the impression with my Juno review below that adopted parents don’t have a genuine spiritual bond with their children.  Nothing could be further from the truth - I merely wish convey that relinquishing mother’s have a unique bond that we cannot fully understand as adoptive parents either.  I’ve seen a ton of natural mothers and adoptive parents spar over this issue on message boards, and I always find myself trying to point out how they are both right.  I’ve got a dozen blog posts in my brain about how adoptive parents are in some circles viewed as second rate, and in other circles as saints entitled to their children.  Both POV’s make me quiver.  I look at my daughter and wonder how in the world I would ever think they actually deserve the joy she brings me, let alone be entitled to it.  Then I look at how much we have become a family, that it just seems odd that anyone could see our family building process as “second best”.

Let me try to expand on this growing mystery of the spiritually bonded family.  Carmen’s cry has always caused me physical pain.  When she expresses her pain - whether it be actual physical pain, tiredness, or grieving - my gut unsettles and my core aches.  On the other hand, whenever she laughs, my heart races in excitement, the hair on my neck stands up, and I can feel my toes curl the same as hers.

However, it’s not always been the case where Carmen reciprocates the same connectedness.  While we could always make her laugh, and I’m sure she could sense when we were not well, it just wasn’t the same.  This was especially true during the early part of our visit trip, then again the first couple weeks home.  Let me re-iterate that it’s not as if I noticed something wrong per se, it’s just that I can clearly see a difference in the past few weeks.  Not only does she respond to our efforts to entice a smile or laugh, but she will participate in a shared moment of joy or excitement with us.  Our independent laughter, even at something she clearly cannot comprehend, elicits excitement from her without any prompting, as if she feels true joy when we experience the same. Similarly, we can tell she’s not happy on the few occasions where the Red Head and I bicker slightly.  We rarely fight in the household, but we’ll occasionally (I can think of 2 since we’ve been home) spend a few minutes “being short” with one another - and CJ definitely expresses her displeasure at the negative atmosphere we create.

One more specific item that really makes my day?  She give real hugs now.  It’s awesome.

So, we not only feel like a family, we ARE a family.  We have new life now that this precious little child has joined our home.  Anyone else notice the spectacular dogwood blooms in SE Pennsylvania this year?  Seeing those perfect little white flowers reminded me of a post I made last year just 2 weeks after CJ’s birth, and 11 days before we learned about her.

So, I took a few pictures this year.  Only one of them did NOT turn out corny - with my arms of hands on the shot.  Same tree as last year - same time of year, more new life.

Isn’t the title of this post in plural?  Yup, we’ve had a few other transitions as well.  We’re on week three of  nap a day.  And we’re on week two of sleeping in the pack n play instead of in bed with us.  Things are going well on that front, but I do miss her - more than I expected.  I believe we reaped many benefits from co-sleeping in terms of attachment and bonding.  Having her smiling face right next to mine first thing in the morning made my day much more endurable.  We were actually getting plenty of sleep before, but she just seemed ready to start the transition to sleeping on her own.  Cross your collective fingers!

Check out how she fell asleep the very first night in this new arrangement.

One more - not so much of a transition, but continued growth.  Some days are better than others in terms of her being comfortable playing independently for short periods of time.  The transition comes by means of her ability to just hang out for longer and longer periods of time.  Mommy and Daddy love to cook, whether it be for ourselves, or for others, so we spend plenty of time in the kitchen.  Somehow, with a baby around, we’ve been able to cook almost as much as before, all the while the kitchen remains clean most of the time!  How is this possible?  The kid can make a toy our of anything, even some flower, a metal bowl, and an old plastic plate.

Any more transitions you might wonder?  Of course, the uber-cuteness continues to develop.  Only time will tell where this particular area of growth leads!