CJs Daddy

Phirst place - and it’s only May.

Posted on May 30th, 2008 by CJs Daddy
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

What’s a Mother?

I’m not even going to look up the dictionary definition, because I know a Mother when I see one.  And I’ve seen plenty - so I’m as close as a man will ever come to being an expert.

There are many kinds of Mother’s. Like most people, I’ve had lots of people mother me in my life - everyone from Aunts, to family friends, and even my sisters when I was very young since they are - um well, um - half a generation older and wise beyond my years.  And of course, my Granny has always been my Granny - an “Grand” mother.

My mom and I were very close.  We are very close.  I think about her explicitly every day, and somehow she always seems to be on my mind.  I’m not exactly in the mood to recap a bunch of memories, so I’ll just move on with my point.  When she passed away (me having just turned 14), lots of women become my mother.   My sisters as much as they could even as they raised my nephews.  Many of my friends mothers made a point to send some motherly love my way, particularly my best friend and girl friend’s mothers. These were women who were not obligated and certainly never tried to replace my mom, but nevertheless allowed me to be a teenager alongside their kids as I struggled with my loss, and moved beyond it.

I truly believe that not for these women, I could very well have found the wrong path in life.  I don’t think any one of these amazing women identified me as a teen at risk and took it upon themselves to keep me on the straight and narrow, they just were mothers, plain and simple.  I’ve seen the same women be mothers to many other people, become mother-in-laws, and grandmothers since then.  It’s just who they are.  They care, the share, the love - they are mothers.  I always think about them on Mother’s Day.

Later, as I became an adult, my step-mom and also after my mother-in-law became my mothers in the truest sense of the word possible.  Note that I’m not saying “like” a mother, but simply a mother.  The loss of my Mother-in-Law and to some extent my Granny, left voids in my life.  My step-mom in particular, along with church mothers, and some friends mothers have all continued to be the mothers in my life - not filling the void so to speak, but just being someone’s mom, in some ways and at some times, mine.  It’s amazing how mothering just comes natural to some women.  I think about these women on Mother’s day as well.

As I’ve now spent some time as a Daddy to an amazing little girl, I cannot help but also revel at the mother’s she’s had in her life and how they have nurtured and loved her, who loved love her.  Her first mom, O, whom cared for her in her womb, so has experienced the joy of seeing her little face as soon as she was born, and made the most painful decision a woman could ever make.  It’s hard not to think of pain when I think of O, but given the obvious circumstances, I don’t know what her state of mind might be.  I pray she has some joy in her life.  I pray that I can meet her some day, and that Carmen can come to know her as well.

Carmen’s foster mama, N, holds a special place in our family.  One of the most amazing mothers I’ve had the honor of meeting, raising four awesome kids, fostering children in need of a home.  While she experienced the joy of raising sweet CJ for almost a year, I know she endures the the pain of losing her as well.  Mama N has such a vibrant faith and outward compassion for children, I can’t wait to see her, her family, and her country again.

My wife has always been quite motherly as well.  She always, and I mean always places other’s comfort before her own.  She’ll wake up with cramped legs just because she doesn’t want to kick the cat off the bed.  She’d takes the time to make yeast rolls, real cranberry sauce, and two kinds of pie(with real pie crust), sugar cake, chocolate chip cookies, lemonade, fruit salad, brownies, and pound cake because she knows someone likes each one of those things.   She’ll stay up all night helping someone she just met to make a cake because she already cares about and loves that person.  She held a trash can for me to barf in after I had my wisdom teeth removed.  When she was working, she would prepare dinner and desert for her staff, along with the staff meeting agenda, and staff reviews even if they were all slacking off that month and didn’t deserve jack squat.

She’s always wanted to be a mommy, but she’s always been a mother to many people, even many years ago.

This weekend, I looked across the table at CJ’s Mommy and I saw the red-head warning her daughter not to throw noodles on the floor.  Tonight, I saw her coughing and watched CJ close her eyes, cover her mouth, and nod her head in response - mimicking almost exactly what she saw her mommy doing.  Later in the evening, while having a slightly rough moment, I saw CJ crawl accross the floor toward her mommy and shout - shout - mamamamamamamamama!!!!

Yup, I know a Mother when I see one.

Posted on May 12th, 2008 by CJs Daddy
Filed under: CJ, Fun, RH, Thoughts | 1 Comment »

Oh, how things are changing ’round here!

The Read Head writes much more eloquently on the ins and outs of getting settled into new routines, so let me take a minute and discuss what they mean for me.  I said back when I started my original blog that this would be my place to publish my thoughts, so she can’t be pinned down for anything dumb I might say.  So here goes.

These past three weeks have been absolutely amazing for me as a daddy.  Thinking back to our first post placement visit - just a week after we got home, our social worker asked if she felt like she was our daughter, and neither of us hesitated - the answer was yes.  Then a few weeks later, I reflected that our feeling of family continued to grow.

Now, I’m amazed to report that not only do I feel like CJ is my daughter, it genuinely seems like she sees me as her daddy.  It’s not that anything was wrong before, but her personality has just blossomed in recent weeks to the point where I can now see her as I imagine her foster family did.  It might seem like a weird thing to point out, and I really hate to leave the impression that we were not bonded earlier, but there’s just something I’ve noticed lately in her eyes, in her laughter, in her crawl, and even in her cry.

It fear that I left the impression with my Juno review below that adopted parents don’t have a genuine spiritual bond with their children.  Nothing could be further from the truth - I merely wish convey that relinquishing mother’s have a unique bond that we cannot fully understand as adoptive parents either.  I’ve seen a ton of natural mothers and adoptive parents spar over this issue on message boards, and I always find myself trying to point out how they are both right.  I’ve got a dozen blog posts in my brain about how adoptive parents are in some circles viewed as second rate, and in other circles as saints entitled to their children.  Both POV’s make me quiver.  I look at my daughter and wonder how in the world I would ever think they actually deserve the joy she brings me, let alone be entitled to it.  Then I look at how much we have become a family, that it just seems odd that anyone could see our family building process as “second best”.

Let me try to expand on this growing mystery of the spiritually bonded family.  Carmen’s cry has always caused me physical pain.  When she expresses her pain - whether it be actual physical pain, tiredness, or grieving - my gut unsettles and my core aches.  On the other hand, whenever she laughs, my heart races in excitement, the hair on my neck stands up, and I can feel my toes curl the same as hers.

However, it’s not always been the case where Carmen reciprocates the same connectedness.  While we could always make her laugh, and I’m sure she could sense when we were not well, it just wasn’t the same.  This was especially true during the early part of our visit trip, then again the first couple weeks home.  Let me re-iterate that it’s not as if I noticed something wrong per se, it’s just that I can clearly see a difference in the past few weeks.  Not only does she respond to our efforts to entice a smile or laugh, but she will participate in a shared moment of joy or excitement with us.  Our independent laughter, even at something she clearly cannot comprehend, elicits excitement from her without any prompting, as if she feels true joy when we experience the same. Similarly, we can tell she’s not happy on the few occasions where the Red Head and I bicker slightly.  We rarely fight in the household, but we’ll occasionally (I can think of 2 since we’ve been home) spend a few minutes “being short” with one another - and CJ definitely expresses her displeasure at the negative atmosphere we create.

One more specific item that really makes my day?  She give real hugs now.  It’s awesome.

So, we not only feel like a family, we ARE a family.  We have new life now that this precious little child has joined our home.  Anyone else notice the spectacular dogwood blooms in SE Pennsylvania this year?  Seeing those perfect little white flowers reminded me of a post I made last year just 2 weeks after CJ’s birth, and 11 days before we learned about her.

So, I took a few pictures this year.  Only one of them did NOT turn out corny - with my arms of hands on the shot.  Same tree as last year - same time of year, more new life.

Isn’t the title of this post in plural?  Yup, we’ve had a few other transitions as well.  We’re on week three of  nap a day.  And we’re on week two of sleeping in the pack n play instead of in bed with us.  Things are going well on that front, but I do miss her - more than I expected.  I believe we reaped many benefits from co-sleeping in terms of attachment and bonding.  Having her smiling face right next to mine first thing in the morning made my day much more endurable.  We were actually getting plenty of sleep before, but she just seemed ready to start the transition to sleeping on her own.  Cross your collective fingers!

Check out how she fell asleep the very first night in this new arrangement.

One more - not so much of a transition, but continued growth.  Some days are better than others in terms of her being comfortable playing independently for short periods of time.  The transition comes by means of her ability to just hang out for longer and longer periods of time.  Mommy and Daddy love to cook, whether it be for ourselves, or for others, so we spend plenty of time in the kitchen.  Somehow, with a baby around, we’ve been able to cook almost as much as before, all the while the kitchen remains clean most of the time!  How is this possible?  The kid can make a toy our of anything, even some flower, a metal bowl, and an old plastic plate.

Any more transitions you might wonder?  Of course, the uber-cuteness continues to develop.  Only time will tell where this particular area of growth leads!

Posted on May 6th, 2008 by CJs Daddy
Filed under: Adoption, Attachment, CJ, Thoughts | No Comments »