CJs Daddy

Oh, how things are changing ’round here!

The Read Head writes much more eloquently on the ins and outs of getting settled into new routines, so let me take a minute and discuss what they mean for me.  I said back when I started my original blog that this would be my place to publish my thoughts, so she can’t be pinned down for anything dumb I might say.  So here goes.

These past three weeks have been absolutely amazing for me as a daddy.  Thinking back to our first post placement visit - just a week after we got home, our social worker asked if she felt like she was our daughter, and neither of us hesitated - the answer was yes.  Then a few weeks later, I reflected that our feeling of family continued to grow.

Now, I’m amazed to report that not only do I feel like CJ is my daughter, it genuinely seems like she sees me as her daddy.  It’s not that anything was wrong before, but her personality has just blossomed in recent weeks to the point where I can now see her as I imagine her foster family did.  It might seem like a weird thing to point out, and I really hate to leave the impression that we were not bonded earlier, but there’s just something I’ve noticed lately in her eyes, in her laughter, in her crawl, and even in her cry.

It fear that I left the impression with my Juno review below that adopted parents don’t have a genuine spiritual bond with their children.  Nothing could be further from the truth - I merely wish convey that relinquishing mother’s have a unique bond that we cannot fully understand as adoptive parents either.  I’ve seen a ton of natural mothers and adoptive parents spar over this issue on message boards, and I always find myself trying to point out how they are both right.  I’ve got a dozen blog posts in my brain about how adoptive parents are in some circles viewed as second rate, and in other circles as saints entitled to their children.  Both POV’s make me quiver.  I look at my daughter and wonder how in the world I would ever think they actually deserve the joy she brings me, let alone be entitled to it.  Then I look at how much we have become a family, that it just seems odd that anyone could see our family building process as “second best”.

Let me try to expand on this growing mystery of the spiritually bonded family.  Carmen’s cry has always caused me physical pain.  When she expresses her pain - whether it be actual physical pain, tiredness, or grieving - my gut unsettles and my core aches.  On the other hand, whenever she laughs, my heart races in excitement, the hair on my neck stands up, and I can feel my toes curl the same as hers.

However, it’s not always been the case where Carmen reciprocates the same connectedness.  While we could always make her laugh, and I’m sure she could sense when we were not well, it just wasn’t the same.  This was especially true during the early part of our visit trip, then again the first couple weeks home.  Let me re-iterate that it’s not as if I noticed something wrong per se, it’s just that I can clearly see a difference in the past few weeks.  Not only does she respond to our efforts to entice a smile or laugh, but she will participate in a shared moment of joy or excitement with us.  Our independent laughter, even at something she clearly cannot comprehend, elicits excitement from her without any prompting, as if she feels true joy when we experience the same. Similarly, we can tell she’s not happy on the few occasions where the Red Head and I bicker slightly.  We rarely fight in the household, but we’ll occasionally (I can think of 2 since we’ve been home) spend a few minutes “being short” with one another - and CJ definitely expresses her displeasure at the negative atmosphere we create.

One more specific item that really makes my day?  She give real hugs now.  It’s awesome.

So, we not only feel like a family, we ARE a family.  We have new life now that this precious little child has joined our home.  Anyone else notice the spectacular dogwood blooms in SE Pennsylvania this year?  Seeing those perfect little white flowers reminded me of a post I made last year just 2 weeks after CJ’s birth, and 11 days before we learned about her.

So, I took a few pictures this year.  Only one of them did NOT turn out corny - with my arms of hands on the shot.  Same tree as last year - same time of year, more new life.

Isn’t the title of this post in plural?  Yup, we’ve had a few other transitions as well.  We’re on week three of  nap a day.  And we’re on week two of sleeping in the pack n play instead of in bed with us.  Things are going well on that front, but I do miss her - more than I expected.  I believe we reaped many benefits from co-sleeping in terms of attachment and bonding.  Having her smiling face right next to mine first thing in the morning made my day much more endurable.  We were actually getting plenty of sleep before, but she just seemed ready to start the transition to sleeping on her own.  Cross your collective fingers!

Check out how she fell asleep the very first night in this new arrangement.

One more - not so much of a transition, but continued growth.  Some days are better than others in terms of her being comfortable playing independently for short periods of time.  The transition comes by means of her ability to just hang out for longer and longer periods of time.  Mommy and Daddy love to cook, whether it be for ourselves, or for others, so we spend plenty of time in the kitchen.  Somehow, with a baby around, we’ve been able to cook almost as much as before, all the while the kitchen remains clean most of the time!  How is this possible?  The kid can make a toy our of anything, even some flower, a metal bowl, and an old plastic plate.

Any more transitions you might wonder?  Of course, the uber-cuteness continues to develop.  Only time will tell where this particular area of growth leads!

Posted on May 6th, 2008 by CJs Daddy
Filed under: Adoption, Attachment, CJ, Thoughts | No Comments »

A moment of passion and weakness leads tiny 16 year old Juno toward a journey she never expected at her young age.

Will she receive the support she deserves in order to make the right choices?

Will she handle it with the same maturity expressed in her smart and witty persona?

Will her confident attitude prevent others from taking advantage of her during this time of crisis?

The answer to these questions are of course a matter of opinion to those of us who have seen the film, so you’ll have to watch Juno for decide for yourself. If you’re not familiar, it’s the latest of the most recent adoption themed movies, and it received a number of Oscar nominations. It even won for best screenplay - which is not entirely surprising given the type of humor involved, and the supposedly sensitive subject matter.

The bigger question of course is whether or not it’s possible to make an adoption themed movie that satisfies all three members of the triad. Even more specific, is it possible to make such a movie that satisfies even the subgroups of one part of the triad? In this case, I’m not sure anyone outside of single adoptive mothers would be fully satisfied in terms of the portrayal of adoption itself. (note: please don’t take that as commentary on single adoptive mothers)

This whole film is just perplexing to me because it really isn’t about adoption, it’s about relinquishment. It’s about the process that Juno endures in order to give her baby to baby to a much more deserving family who have more money and will be able to love her more. The can’t have children on their own, and Juno’s too young and poor, so it only makes sense that this other couple from the suburbs should take the little bastard off her hands.

If you know me by now, you’ll wonder how I managed to type that last paragraph. Yah, of course those are lousy reasons to relinquish a child, and awful and hurtful language to use in that circumstance. But that’s exactly what Juno is like. And not just the girl, the entire film is like this. Well, not the entire film I guess.

I kindof liked the movie at first - it paints a quaint and uncritical little picture of the lower middle class neighborhood where Juno and her boyfriend live. Given my background, and the tendency of movies to paint such folks as rednecks, I found this element by itself is refreshing. However, Juno’s language and attitude toward her unborn child reflect that awful impression you received from what I wrote above.

The movie actually takes a more critical look at the suburban upper-class family that seeks to adopt Juno’s baby. While they’re not quite caricatures, they do seem to exude some of the negative stereotypes one might expect. They’re materialistic, calculating, and perfect. The potential adoptive mom is patronizing and obsessed with becoming a parent, while the potential adoptive dad never seems to have matured since college.

These two worlds collide, and the film pretends to portray Juno in a positive light - theoretically negating the crisis pregnancy stereotype. The suburban couple turns out to have a somewhat fake marriage and only material wealth. Juno comes across as the only smart person in the room with her witty banter and decisive manner. But they still put forth the underlying notion that the mother has not real connection to her child. She doesn’t care about “it” at all. In fact, Juno doesn’t really seem to care about anyone - she’s not the least bit likable to me.

Meanwhile the adoptive mom experiences these amazing moments of connection, as if she’s truly the rightful mother to this child. She runs into Juno and her pals at the mall, feels the baby kick, and ends up in lala land, while the poor teenage mom looks down in confusion. Super-mom also obsesses over the perfect nursery and baby supplies, while Juno finds time to bounce back and forth between the father of her child and the (creepy) future father of her child. This juxtaposition actually intriguingly feeds directly toward the resolution of the film, which I’ll leave unstated here (you can look it up if you want).

I won’t go any further into anylizing Juno, the film or Juno the character. As an adult adoptee, the Red Head’s far better equipped to do this herself. I will tell you this - when we left the theater I didn’t care for the film, but by the time I finished talking with her I just felt crushed about the whole thing. She wrote this the day after seeing the film, and I’ve been sitting on this review for a while now.

Guest blogger - The Red Head

I finally saw Juno yesterday. For whatever reason I had been wanting to see it. I read the spoiler…I knew how it ended but still I just HAD to see what all the hype was about! It was a little like a train wreck…I kind of knew it would be bad but I just couldn’t look away!

The short of it…I HATED IT!!!! LOATHED!!! DESPISED!!!! It left me heartbroken and SICK!!!! I’ve barely thought of anything else since watching it yesterday and I HATE THAT!!!!

DH even asked, after the movie was over, why I wanted to see it! He thought, before we even went, that I would have a problem with the age of the character (my natural mom was a teenager as well). He was afraid I would make a closer connection than even I realized I would make! Yet still we saw it. And I didn’t cry…I didn’t shed a tear. I sat there in disbelief at the callous language, feeling that dagger in my back twist with every reference to “it”. I wanted…no…LONGED for Juno to just ONCE speak lovingly about the child she was carrying! All of a sudden, before I knew what was happening, I was hearing those words come out of her mouth as if she were speaking ABOUT ME!!! For the rest of the movie I sat there imagining how my natural mother talked about ME when she was pregnant. And my dream world just crumbled right around me! Sure, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a pregnant teenager. But before seeing this movie I hadn’t allowed myself to view that part of my life as a reality.

Going into this movie I thought I would have a much more difficult time with the natural mother references. I thought this movie would be more directed at the decisions Juno had to make and what influenced her to make the decisions she made. And yes…I left ticked off at her final decision and the idea that no one was REALLY there to help her! Sure, her BFF and step-Mom went with her to the doctor and were with her in the delivery room, but where was the HELP?! The real, professional, unbiased help?! Why wasn’t there anyone there to tell her that if she wanted she COULD raise this baby just as well as the single woman to whom she gave him?! I found it despicable!

I DID find the character believable and the acting very well done! Obviously, just a bit TOO well done, considering I was unable to separate the movie from MY real-life!!! And it made me sad! I hated the story for the story! I couldn’t say whether it should have been written any differently to shed a truer light on any particular experience because I have never walked in a natural parent’s shoes. All I can say is from the perspective of an adoptee, it HURT!!! It hurt a lot!!!

Posted on April 28th, 2008 by CJs Daddy
Filed under: Adoption, Thoughts | No Comments »