Warning - this is a long post!
I’ve had the honor and pleasure of providing the Father’s Day message this morning. Just wanted to post it here for anyone who might wanna know what I’ve learned since becoming CJs Daddy. As for a general update, we’re having home PC trouble so I’ve been wrestling with that rather than spending my evenings blogging and reading blogs. There’s also some been some re-org at work (fine with me) so I’ve fallen behind in the blog and message board worlds.
CJs cutting her molars right now, walking on her own about 50% of the time, and just pooped in the toilet about 90 minutes ago. Yah, I couldn’t believe it either. Blessings to all - I’m on my way to catching up now!
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What I believe about Fatherhood
Good morning and Happy Father’s day. Let me tell you, I’ve had a number of people tell me that this morning, and it feels pretty darn good.
Before we brought Carmen home, all of you told us what joy she would bring to both Melissa and me. Many of you also made a point to comfort us at the end of our long wait by assuring us that she’d be home soon and that you’d continue to pray for us. Once we got “the call†you told us that at just under a year old, she’ll be playful, interactive, and curious — her personality will be shining. She’ll be able to feed herself to some extent, but still want to cuddle up for a bottle. Of course, it goes without saying that we’d much prefer to have had her home sooner. But, everything you told us turned out to be absolutely true.
However, there are a few things you left out, and given my wife’s education and work, I’m thinking she knew about all of this and selectively didn’t remember this stuff either…
Why didn’t anyone tell me that children learn to whine before they learn to talk? How is this even possible? How is it even possible that a child can whine without being able to say what it is she’s whining about? All the whining I remember hearing from my nephews included actual words.
I knew way in advance that teething really really hurts, that it makes sleep and eating difficult. Makes perfect sense. Having my wisdom teeth removed a couple of years ago caused as much pain as I remember ever having. So having teeth grow out through your gums has to be excruciating. But. Why didn’t anyone tell me that teething also has a major impact on other, ehem, bodily functions? It doesn’t even make sense, the consumption of food actually decreases during teething, yet, well, you know, other rather nasty unspeakable things happen. Carmen has had exactly 2 “blow-outs†as professionals call them, and both were during teething. I’d love for someone working in the medical profession to explain that to me.
If there’s anything ya’ll would like to share with me about what I’m up against the next few years, please don’t hesitate
When the subject of a Father’s day message came up at a recent Elders meeting, the rest of the Elders thought I might be interested in sharing with the congregation what Fatherhood means to me, and what I’ve learned since becoming a father.
The next day, I heard something on the radio that while not pertinent to the subject matter, it gave me some ideas as to how to organize my thoughts.
NPR has a series of features called “This, I believe, “ where listeners who don’t normally work in media write essays on subjects that are important to them. Sometimes it’s just goofy, sometimes casual, and sometimes it’s quite serious and opinionated. It’s always interesting, even if I don’t understand or agree with the actual commentary. So that’s kindof my way of thinking about this message. Not having studied scripture in depth, or not having had years of experience as a father, that’s all I can go on right now. What I believe.
It’s only been a short time, but given the lengthy preparation, I’m certain I’m getting a handle on not just how to be a father, but what it means to be a father. I thought I’d share with you this morning some of what I’ve learned through the process of becoming a Daddy, talk a little bit about how I believe media and the church view fatherhood rightly and wrongly, and what I believe it means to be a father.
In order to do that, I had to think about when it was that I became a father in the first place. If you ask our some people, I became a father the moment I decided I wanted to be one. That seems like a bit of a stretch, especially considering I’m not sure I could say with certainty when exactly that happened for me.
I would say that uncle-hood gives one a taste of father-hood to some degree. I’ve been an uncle since I was 6 years old, I’ve got a bunch of nephews, as well as several step nieces and nephews. I’m even an uncle-in-law, a great uncle, and an honorary uncle. Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure and responsibility of experiencing all that being an uncle has to offer. I’d literally do anything and everything for my nieces and nephews, just as I would for my immediate family. I love all of them unconditionally.
The problem with considering this too much of a taste of fatherhood is precisely because I cannot do anything and everything for them. Even though I would be there for them, I’m not actually there for them. They don’t rely on me for anything except the love and care I express for them when we’re together, and I can hope that I can be a positive influence in their lives in some way. So sure, you can get an idea of what fatherhood might be like, but it’s just not the same thing.
Our adoption social worker would say I became a father the day after Mother’s day last year, when we visited her office, fist saw Carmen’s picture, and learned that she would be our daughter. This is the day where I fell out of love with the idea of being a Daddy and in love with the little baby girl who would be my daughter.
One might consider our trip last August to Guatemala when I had an opportunity to spend 5 days actually fathering her. Given that for the next 6 months I could literally still feel the weight of her body in my arms and the sound of her laugh and cry in my head, there’s something to be said for that notion.
I really don’t lend a lot of credence to bureaucrats providing justification of me as a parent, but it’s worth noting that I could think of at least 6 different dates during which different government agencies declared my fatherhood to be approved.
Confused yet? I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not exactly sure when I would consider myself to have become a father, but I’m not going to let anyone else dictate that to me either.
Here are some other things I’ve learned since becoming a Dad.
I’ve learned that a high chair aged child and the family dog have a symbiotic relationship. I think in any family dynamic that includes animals, this relationship is critical for them both to become accepting of one another. The dog says – alright, I know you didn’t mean to pull my tail so hard, but I’ll allow it since we had bacon for breakfast this morning, and I’m pretty sure Mommy’s got a pork roast in the crock pot. Before you arrived, it was always lamb and rice pellets, so my live has improved.
I’ve also learned that while certainly an imperfect effort, young toddlers can actually keep about 50% of their food on their plates. With a little sign language instruction, they can even say please and thank you. Honestly, I had no idea this was possible. I was totally prepared for pointing and grunting until at least Thanksgiving. Of course this little foray into baby sign language has created some problems. Apparently Carmen believes that if she signs “please†repeatedly, this means she’s earned the right to just about anything she wants. One of the strangest things I’ve heard Melissa say in recent weeks would be: “Carmen I don’t care how many times you say please, you cannot have any of Penny’s dog food.”
I’ve also learned that the difficulty in getting a child to sleep is inversely proportional the level of tiredness. This one completely baffles me as well. There’s no other common endeavor where effort actually thwarts success. Why would anyone intentionally keep themselves awake for so long when the solution to their misery can be found by just giving up?
In all seriousness, Fatherhood really is a dream come true for me, only I didn’t really know for what it was I had been dreaming until I received it. In other words, I knew I wanted to be a father, but I didn’t know what it meant to be a father, I didn’t know exactly what I believed about Fatherhood itself.
Almost 2 years ago, when Melissa and I decided to pursue adoption, we were faced with the task of self examination of our inner selves. We each had to fill out questionnaires and write essays that describe personalities, our faith, and our parenting philosophy. I summed up my faith by describing how in awe I have always been by the unconditional nature of Grace. The pure freedom of living life knowing that God will be there no matter what miserable state my life might be in was incredibly appealing to me. In fact, I specifically cited Romans 5 as my favorite section of the Bible. This chapter makes it clear on several levels that God’s salvation is free, and that although our sin deserves punishment, Christ saves all of us through Grace.
I looked up Romans 5 on a web site called “Bible Gateway†which offers several translations of the scriptures, and can be useful in terms of getting an understanding of a passage by seeing more than one phrase translated in slightly different ways. I had been really hesitant to force some kind of connection between giving a Father’s day message and today’s assigned scripture reading, but it became clear very quickly as I re-read.
The King James Version starts off like this:
1 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
But then I started looking at different translations, each with different headings for that section. I always find headings interesting because someone somewhere had to decide the intended meaning of the text for themselves, then publish it for the world to see. I ‘m not sure if they are a good idea in general, because first time readers might assume a generally accepted understanding, but many Bibles use them, so it is what it is I guess.
Here are a few examples of headings that I really liked from various translations of Romans 5. I hope you can see how they parallel parenthood …
Peace and Joy
Results of Justification
Developing Patience
Faith Brings Joy
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
There are some I did not like. For instance:
Those Declared Righteous Are Reconciled.
This is precisely the opposite of how I read Romans. Romans, to me makes a specific point to say that we are reconciled in spite of our inability to be righteous. In spite of the fact that we keep on sinning, all we have to do is accept God’s Grace, and we are reconciled. Of course, Christ’s teachings still guide us toward righteous living, and the concept of free salvation isn’t meant to be an “out†for bad behavior. But what I believe Romans 5 tell us specifically that in terms of reconciliation and salvation, we are not to be concerned with righteousness.
My favorite heading came from the “Contemporary English Version†which states:
What It Means To Be Acceptable to God
Essentially, Romans 5 tells us that all we have to do to be right with God is to accept his Grace. In fact, it says repeatedly that Christ has already made the sacrifice that makes us right with God. This is where I find the parallel to family again. I’m not comfortable making comparisons between God/Father and myself Father, but I do see parallels between the relationships described here.
This also leads me to point out the problems with some ways the media and some even within the Church portray Fatherhood. I think religious people and politicians tend to talk about defending the family way too much, as if the rest of us are so fragile that we need their protection. Politicians drone on and on about how every idea they spout is aimed at families. Talk about pandering to the masses. I can’t think of a single thing a politician can do for me that could strengthen or harm my family in the spiritual sense. The problem is that neither of these groups always make it very clear who it is they are talking about when they mention family. I mean, I’m all for lower taxes because I’d love to save more, buy more, and invest more, but just how is a tax cut going to strengthen my family? I make no judgment here on individual choices, but just how is the defense of marriage act going to defend my marriage?
The Church is often no worse than government. A recent Christian family media organization published an essay that included the following passage. Some of you may have read this. In talking about his experience as a Father, the author writes:
Some of the most awe-inspiring moments come when I clearly see myself in one of the kids. From the shape of a nose to the tone of voice, each child expresses traces of his mother and me. It is like an artist seeing a bit of himself in what he creates. I think God allows us to become parents so we can sample what it feels like for Him to be our Father.
See what I mean about how uncomfortable it can be to compare our own earthly fatherhood to that of our Lord and Creator? Don’t get me wrong, being the spitting image of my Dad, I understand the awesome connection we have when people know we’re related without anyone telling them. When I was 15, my friends used to ask why I had a black and white picture of myself hanging in the foyer of our home. It’s kinda cool that my brother and I can call just about anyone else in the family without caller id and they aren’t sure if it’s me or him because we sound so much alike.
I’ll just be straight with you if you couldn’t guess already. I’m awe inspired by my daughter’s nose, her voice, and everything else about her simply because God has entrusted her to my care. The fact that she looks nothing like me has nothing to do with our legitimacy as a family.
The same would be true in lots of other types of families. In fact, I would argue that family is simply what we make of it through the love that God provides, and Romans 5 can be part of our model. Remember Romans tells us that to be acceptable to God has nothing to do with what WE have done. It has everything to do with what Christ has done.
We are acceptable to God in spite of all our massive, helpless, and sometimes intentional sinfulness. As such, in order to have a strong family, we are acceptable to one another in spite of ourselves. Unconditional love would be the key term here.
I mean, think about it. As a parent, how could our love for our children be the least bit conditional? Children are both helpless and inherently selfish. What has a child in the womb or one waiting in a far away land ever done for us? Yet, we love them anyway, whether biological or adoptive, we love our children before we ever see them, hold them, hear them, or receive a single hug. That’s what I believe God intends from Fatherhood, from parenthood.
What’s the most common thing we experience from our children when they are young? They cry, they eat, they poop, they require all kinds of attention. Yet, they can’t dress themselves, they can’t feed themselves, and most of the time, they can’t even put themselves to sleep without our help. Yet through meeting their needs, we express our love. Through all the work, lost sleep, unfinished chores, and messy diapers, our love grows.
This is what I believe God wants from us as his children too. He wants for us to place our needs at his feet and allow him to express his love. In fact, I believe this is what he wants from family in general, which is precisely why we shouldn’t allow anyone, and I mean anyone to define our family for us.
I believe a family to be any group of people devoted to meeting one another’s needs and allowing other’s to meet theirs – unconditionally. Many of us are step parents or step children. Some of us live with aunts and uncles, cousins, or even best friends. Some of us are single parents or couples without children or empty nesters. I’ve seen way to many awesome families that simply don’t fit the traditional label to say that any one way to form or maintain a family should be labeled as traditional in the first place.
One of my favorite movies from a few years back is called “About a Boy†which tells the story of a fatherless child and a childless father getting to know one another through a series of fits and starts. During the film, the shallow and childish Will pretends to be a single Father in order to meet women by engaging them through sympathy. When one single Moms calls him on it, and he’s forced to invent a fictional son he names Ned in order to impress the woman. Another boy named Marcus discovers this charade and blackmails him into allowing him to spend time at his cool bachelor pad. In reality, Marcus’ father is long gone, and his mother suffers from severe depression. Marcus’ motivation is more noble than Will’s, but still deceitful as he attempts to influence Will into falling in love with his mother. Although that type of relationship never takes root, the three develop not just a friendship, but a need for the other. Will realizes how rewarding it can be to have someone rely on you, and Marcus learns to trust a man for the first time in his life.
They become so close, that Marcus conspires (pretending to be his son) with Will to help him win over Rachel, the true woman of his dreams. The plan backfires when their lie is exposed, and their friendship disintegrates as a result. Eventually, Will’s unable to control his love for Marcus and ends up risking his own “cool†reputation by assisting Will in his school talent show. Unbeknownst to both of them, Rachael observes the entire ordeal, and realizes before anyone else, that Will is indeed Marcus’ father precisely because of the love and support he has shown to the boy. This scenario isn’t as far fetches as it sounds. As you might expect, I believe that we all have a need to be needed, and when we find out how to make that happen, this is when God sanctions families.
It’s that unconditional devotion, that drive to express love that comes through in a movie like that which I believe is at the heart of fatherhood. It’s not something we can really explain unless you experience it for yourself. It’s that free grace that we are to imitate in our own homes in terms of free and unconditional care and love for one another that makes a family.
There are some other things that no one really prepared me for, and if the did, the notion didn’t get through until I experienced it myself. I didn’t realize I would not just empathize, but feel real physical pain in response my daughter crying. I didn’t realize an entire day of frustration would be wiped away at the site of her crawling toward me upon arriving home. I didn’t realize that the thought of someone creating a negative environment around my daughter would cause actual anger. I didn’t realize that the site of Carmen placing a round peg into the proper hole on a toy train, or sticking her fork into a piece of chicken would be so mesmerizing!
Back to Romans for a minute.
Later in Romans 5, Paul writes.
20 God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.
Here’s that parallel and lesson for family again. As we continue to grow as a family, our love abounds, The challenges increase, as Carmen continues to develop into her own person, all the while God’s grace becomes more abundant, so does my lover for her. So does the strength of my Fatherhood.
Posted on June 15th, 2008 by admin
Filed under: Adoption, CJ, Food, Fun, Thoughts | No Comments »
